Chaos Never Ending

My Music Post

2005-10-20T08:11:00.000-07:00

Before I start the subject of music, I have a question. Do you think that boredom is an emotion or is it a state of mind? Are emotions themselves simply states of mind? Who knows? If you have an opinion, let me know. I like to argue my point which is that boredom isn't an emotion. I think it's either a lack of a strong emotion between two points of time or a physical state that effects our mental state. I don't think it's an emotion. Let me know what you think about this and my music choices... music is very important to me. What I'm listening to now: Underoath - It's Dangerous Buisiness Walking out your Front Door. That's my favorite UNDEROATH song.

I also like Avenged Sevenfold, Mudvayne, Beck, KORN, TOOL, System of a Down, Killswitch Engage (End of a Heartache is awesome!), Slipknot, Underoath, Hawthorne Heights, Murderdolls, My Chemical Romance, Funeral for a Friend, Chevelle, Blindside, and Greenday. There are a LOT more, but I don't wanna type em all.

The new song by KORN, Twisted Transistor, is pretty cool. The only thing that I dislike about that song is when he says, "A lonely life where no one understands you." That's dripping with self-pity. I DESPISE self-pity.

I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of throwing my own little pity party from time to time but later I feel disgusted with myself for it. In my opinion, you should deal with yor problems without looking for someone else's pity or wallowing in your own. It's weak... I know I'm not one to talk about being weak because believe me, I might have a strong opinion but when it comes to emotions, I'm very weak. Pity is a weakness you could easilly avoid. Back 2 music!

Korn has a lot of suicidal songs. That's okay to an exent...but he pushes the envelope. I think we all know how he wants to die. The question is, is he brave enough? I hope not. I think it's idiotic to take your own life. I mean, you live on this earth for however long you're alive and every moment is filled with troubles. How are you going to top off all of your troubles by killing yourself. I know, that doesn't make since. It's like I know what I mean in my head but I can't explain it on...monitor. Lol, well, let me try again: he tries SO hard to survive in this chaotic world and then he gives up and kills himself. Damn it! It still didn't sound like I thought it should. Oh well, hopefully you get my point...back 2 music.

I LOVE AVENGED SEVENFOLD! I love thier deep lyrics. I read a magazine article about them (AP) and it said that in their new CD, City of Evil, they have shed their vampirish look for a look of their own. I think that's awesome. It also said that their lyrics indicate that they "don't spent their time on tour at nudie bars, getting drunk." They spend a lot of time on their meaningful lyrics and their AWESOME guitar riffs (spelling?) help as well. Check em out...OH, and the lead singer is amazingly gorgeous! I'll post a pic. Here it is:

This is Avenged Sevenfold. The dude in the front is the lead singer. Yepp. I'm out. Gotta check my e-mail! ^.^

My History

2005-10-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

Howdy, folks. I'm bored and have nothing better to do then blab to no one. Yeah, that's right! I know that no one really reads the blog of a fourteen year old. I bet after reading "and I'm only fourteen..." on my last post, almost everyone stopped reading. That's sad...just sad. Anywho, I suppose I will catch you up on my history.

First things first, I was a huge baby. My mom had to have a C-section (I hope it's not spelled sea section because I would sound really dumb right about now, LOL). At the time of my birth, my mom was a "hethan" as she says now. She was on drugs and wasn't exactly prepared for a child. She was convinced that she was Bi-Polar (I hope I spelled that right also) and had continuous panic attacks that she now calls attacks from Satan himself.

My mom immediately handed me over to my Grandma who took care of me (in other words spoiled me) well. I grew up with my Aunt, Angie, whom I have spoken of before. She was like a sister to me when growning up, even though I have a sister, Stacia, who (who, whom, whatever) is three years younger then me.

Angie was a little like my mom; an outrageous teenager, and I have to admit I looked up to her a lot. My mom didn't take me over again until I was seven, when she got "saved" because she should've had AIDS. She promised God that she would turn from Satan or whatever and serve him. Typical plead, you know, for life. It was the best choice she ever made... in her opinion. Sometimes I just wish she didn't make that choice so I could have things my way: listen to what I wanted openly, without facing consequences and watching what I like. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't looking to become a porno freak. I just love horror movies. I know, very selfish of me. I feel horrible for even typing it, but it's true.

My mom has cried over me for not being a Christian and that makes me feel sorta bad...new subject.

Well, the transaction from grandma who spoiled me and cared about how I felt to mother who could care less if she stepped on my toes and ruined my fleshly desires was not easy. Of course, I was only seven then, but even now I wander what I would turn out like if my mom hadn't taken me from my grandmother's care... who knows? I might be in juvenile hall or I might be in the honor's class. Maybe, I would be the same ole' Brittany: wrapped up in my own world.

In second grade (I know that I'm jumping around a lot here. Sorry. I'm not very organized in anything that i do, really), I fell in love with my teacher; Mrs. Leatherman. Every year after that, up until fifth, I visited her after school. She believed in me and initially planted the seed of writing in my tiny little brian...okay, not that tiny. I was pretty smart. My reading level was 11.5 which means 11th grade, not that I'm bragging. ^.^

In third grade, my teacher was evil. PURE EVIL! Her name left me (that means I forgot) but I remember she would get in your face and yell at you for ignorant things. She had quite the temper. In fourth grade...I was an IDIOT! I fell in "love" with this 6th grader named Ian who was supposedly a badass. He was in special Ed. Yep, I liked a rough guy with a temper...back then. He was mean to everyone and never talked to me.

One day, while playing kickball(I was a big tomboy), I dove for a catch and missed. Ian ran up beside me and laughed. I hated him from that point on. Isn't is werid how one's emotions can change about something so quickly.

Let me catch you up on someting: being a tomboy was cover for the dudes who I had a crush on in elementary. Little did I know that my little world was simply plastic and unrealistic. I am pretty sure that it still is. I don't care. Let me relish it while I'm young. LOL^.-

So, after falling out of love with Ian, I moved on to fifth grade to find a new crush: a spongebob loving nerd named Chris. Yep. I like the loosers...I was a looser. Now, I prefer the in between people. Smart, kind, not perfect but pretty much knows who they are so they can help me, and a little (okay a lot) dorky. I like nerds...I can't help it. Oh, and it would be nice if they liked metal...I'm getting off the subject. Back to fifth grade.

I attended Epperly Heights Elementary up until sixth. After sixth grade I went to a Christian school where I thoroughly hated everyone there. I shrunk into my shell (at this time I had no musical influence in my life. The firey love for metal that I have now was a dim light in me.) and played the shy and borning card so everyone would leave me alone. I found a friend: Jessica Rice. She was a smart girl who reminded me of a chiuaua(sp): timid and shaken.

In Seventh grade, I came out of my shell and my "dim light" became a raging fire, an addiction, for metal. It sounds a little corney but that is the only way I can describe it. Even now, I crave harder metal and can't seem to find anyting hard enough to fit me...like a drug... BUT A GOOD DRUG! Anyway, I gathered my fake circle of friends but I pushed them away. They thought I was funny and sarcastic and I thought they were fake and sheltered snobs. After pushing them away, they began to talk about me behind my back. Fine with me! They called me a goth and an Athiest. Some even called me a witch! I didn't do anything to them! I didn't dress out of the dress code, nothing! I just pushed away they're plastic faces and fake personalities. by the end of the year, I practically ran from that school into my eighth grade year at Kerr, where even more fake people lay. Where has my generation gone???

So, that's my sad story...well, not all of it. That was on a pretty high note. What I didn't mention was my mother marrying a lunatic who molested me and then went to jail. He's still in jail...he wasn't my real father.

My father has life in jail for murder. It sounds bad, I know, but I don't care. Even though I have never seen him, I still love him with the love of a daughter. I treasure all that I know about him: he played the drums, he stole things for my mom (lol), my grandma hated him, my mom loved him, and he would kill my mom's mistake of an ex-husband if he knew what he did to me and my family...especially me.

I was a part of a churh for six years. I grew to love the people there for some odd reason and then my mom ripped us away. We attend an okay church now but I miss my old church, even though I'm not a Christian. I was in denile about being a "hethan" for a while but then I realized if I don't center my life around Christ, I'm not a Chrstian. If I don't read my bible, pray, or worship him then I'm not a Christian. I've never really been one, I just claimed it because it's all I've heard of since I was seven. (notice I said "heard of" not known because I have never known God.)

There is my history... I have more but it's boring junk. see ya.

About me...

2005-10-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

Hi, this is the thing about me. I know no one cares but I do so deal with it. I plan to be a writer of some kind when I get older. I have had that ambition set for a long time, about five years and I'm only 14. I love to read and write stories on quizilla but the majority of the things that I write I don't post. I write personal type things. A lot of my stories relate to me and I feel like I'm painting a picture of my pain on a bilboard for everyone to see when they read my stories. The ones that I post seem empty, without emotion, so I mostly read on Quizilla.

To answer a world wide question: I'm not a goth, punk, rocker, emo, and definately not prepp. I'm nothing and I don't say that out of "low self-esteem", I say that out of a strong belief that lables are ignorant. It pisses me off when people try to cram themselves into a single catagory when humans in general are so complex and difficult to understand. I am just me, and I like it that way.

My mom drags me to church everyday, yet I'm not a christian. You know what they say: "Just because you are in a garage, it doesn't make you a car!" I don't know if that's exactly how that saying goes but you know what I mean. I've had my struggle with God (not religion) and it didn't work out quite right. It seems that God and I think differently about several things. For example: the music I listen to isn't pure in his sight (LOL) and the things that I watch make my brother stumble.

I am a science fiction freak. I like a lot of underground books I guess you could say. My favorite book is Neal Shutserman's Scorpion Shards. I also like Dracula by Bram Stoker. I know, that's a classic. I listen to Korn, Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, and Mudvayne. Yep, that doesn't exactly go well with God. (BTW: I'm not an atheist. I've seen God move in other people's life like my mom. Not only that: an idiot could simply look at the night sky and know that there is a God.) My problem with God is with me, not him. I don't want to sacrifice the "ways of this world." I know, I'm a coward or whatever you may call me. I've fought that demon already.

There are still some pretty cool christian metal bands though: DEMON HUNTER *they're AWESOME!!!*, KILLSWITCH ENGAGE, and Underoath. Cool huh? I think it is. They have Christians out there who like to ROCK! Yep, anyway, I'm pretty much a metal head and center my life around music, books, and writing. Despite my "filling" myself with these things, I'm still empty. It's like, I know the answer but I'm VERY hesitant to use it to fill my void. I don't know... I'm changing the subject. This is a tender area for me.

I live in Oklahoma and I've been to Arkansas(sucks), Texas, and recently Missouri. In the end, I feel out of place anywhere besides...home. I'm into vampires even though I'm not a freak who is convinced they're real. My favorite color is green and I hate yellow. Not becuse it's too bright, even though that is one factor of it, but because it is a confusing and obnoxious color.

My role model is...well, I really don't have one. I work off of my own image of a cool person. I know that relying in people will only make you fall...just like the TOOL song: "I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbuisill. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well." Yeah, I wanted to put that in there.

I have a super human memory (I'm exaggerating. I can just remember lyrics, poems, names and lines from books really easilly. Learning HTML was a snap!). I hate school even though I love to learn. I am an indepentent studier. In my opinion, I should be able to learn in my own way because a teacher might see it differently then I do.

I have a social disease...I can't have a proper friendship for more then a week. I don't know why...I all the friendships that I hold now seem empty and fake. It's easier for me to shy away from interactions with humans. I think it's because every human (with few exceptions.) that I've "run" into, have been shallow and posers. I know no one even slightly similiar to me...except a few people... and I'm not being dramatic. I attend a school full of goths, punks, nerds, prepps, and idiots. I'd rather be a loner.

Okey dokey, let me clear something up. Not all humans suck, although I do prefer animals. My aunt and her fiance' are pretty cool and I relate to them a lot but I haven't seen them for a long time. My aunt is the person who introduced me to metal but I will put more about that in my next post. My next one will be solely about my history. So, I'm out 4 now! See ya.